Finding Identity in Middle School: CASE Manager Shares Her Story

“Ultimately we become what we pay attention to, and the options available to us at any time are myriad, the most important of which being located within us…To have one’s mind set on something is essentially about paying attention. What do I pay attention to? Paul says that what we pay attention to doubles back and governs us. Hence our attention is deeply associated with either death or life.”

- C. Thompson, The Soul of Shame

I have always wrestled with my identity, especially since middle school. During those pivotal years, I received labels (mostly damaging) that framed my understanding of who I was.

Mistakes and failures are often associated with feelings of shame. It is important to help middle schoolers learn the normalcy of this and challenge them to ‘fail forward’ by learning from them and equipping them with the tools to manage their emotions in the learning process. In our after-school program, CASE, we use team-building activities to intentionally facilitate these learning experiences.

Because of these labels, I began struggling with depression and anxiety in 5th grade. This would continue into my early twenties. To this day, I remember lying in a fetal position on my bed in the dark one day, and from there, my life snowballing into what I perceived to be utter chaos. I was unable to understand myself and my moment, nor express my deep feelings and strong emotions. This led to outbursts, irrational behavior, and bad decisions. I wish I’d had someone to tell me that everything I was feeling and undergoing was, in fact, normal (2).

Instead of understanding that it was normal for me to have these feelings and that it was likely only a season, my behavior was identified as a problem. This is not inherently bad or wrong. But, it was the way my behavior was addressed that became problematic. I never got a chance to learn how to cope and respond to those emotions and feelings in a healthy way. Instead, I was diagnosed with a mental disorder that I grew to identify with and know as "me." Any tools given to me were associated with my diagnosis. It was heart-wrenching as I thought, "this is me." The multiple hospital visits (and later a 3.5 year conservatorship) that followed this diagnosis further branded me (3). And all of this combined sent me into a downward tailspin for the next 11 years of my life.

Finding purpose in life is often associated with one’s identity. Over the years, CASE has helped provide opportunities for students to feel empowered and find purpose through community service projects. In this picture, the youth were able to help build a garden for a disabled local widow. It is powerful to witness two generations connecting.

Daily, I would sit in front of a computer for hours on end, researching what this meant for me. Who did it say that I was? What did my future look like in light of this? I read all about the symptoms which inadvertly taught me about “who I was supposed to become.” I would then read about the treatment process. Unfortunately, it wasn’t promising. It often resulted in some medical website saying that it was not curable but could only be "maintained," specifically with medicine. Over time, this message took away any hope that I had of overcoming my diagnosis. So, I would stop researching and instead do, and be, just what those articles described.

Today, I am healed and have come under a new, healthy, and true identity. I am a child of God. And with that comes a huge responsibility. It has been, and still is, a humbling, grueling, and restorative journey to allow God to do a good work in me. Yet, his work and love never fails. I write this article, sitting in my right mind and stronger than ever. He has also turned my poor experience as a teen and young adult into a burning passion to serve and be part of his restorative work with this very audience. I want youth to truly discover who they are by having a better understanding of their developmental moment and helping to equip them with more tools and safe spaces to address the ebb and flow of life.

A safe learning environment helps provide youth with a sense of belonging and self-belief (5). Every year students involved with CASE reflect on the lessons they have learned and share their experiences with their families and teachers in an end of the year showcase. These events are planned, prepped, and co-faciliated by the students themselves. It is powerful to watch the way the students, who were strangers and somewhat insecure at the beginning of programming, take ownership over their program, come together unified, and pull off a memorable event for all involved and in attendance.

One way that I get to redeem my past is through participating with the CASE After-School Program. I have had the privilege of serving with CASE for almost 8 years now. I’m now the Program Director, where I serve in administration and program development. The administrative aspect of programming pulls on my heart-strings year after year. Many middle-school students enrolling into our program are also receiving diagnoses similar to the one that I received. As I read about their labels, I am reminded of my own experience. If I could prevent youth from going through the identity struggle I had and the associated pain, I would. And so I try, in partnership with other teachers and organizations (4).

The middle-school years are a very vulnerable time in the lives of adolescents and they need protection and guidance as they figure out who they are. They need to know that their identity goes beyond a diagnosis, experiences, “likes and dislikes” on their social media accounts, and hurtful words that are often thrown around in middle school. Although our afterschool program is only two hours a day, 4 days a week, an impact is still possible. Within this timeframe, the youth receive invaluable lessons in character development, gain opportunities to work out conflict in healthy ways, begin developing new skills, and forge healthy relationships. Through these lessons and intentional investment from staff, youth receive impactful lessons and safe spaces to learn and "be" as they consider the question, “Who am I?" in this pivotal developmental phase.

---

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.- 2 Corinthians 5:17

---

1) Thompson, C. (2015). The soul of shame: Retelling the stories we believe about ourselves. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press.

2) “During this developmental stage, the prefrontal cortex is tremendously in a “rewiring” process that fortifies certain neural highways while virtually abandoning the majority of others. The transitional activity of this rewiring phase is disorienting for your young teen, and often exhibits itself in recklessness, poor decision-making, and emotional outbursts.” Hank Pellissier | October 21, 2. (n.d.). Inside the tweener's brain. Retrieved September 16, 2020, from GreatSchools.org

3) Conservatorship is a legal concept whereby a court appoints a person to manage an incapacitated person or minor's financial and personal affairs. Kenton, W. (2020, August 29). Conservatorship. Retrieved September 18, 2020, from Investopedia.com

4) CASE After-school program serves in 4 of Metro Nashville Public Middle Schools and is funded by Nashville After Zone Alliance (NAZA), all who share a desire to serve middle school youth.

5) Kaur, S., UNESCO Institute for Statistics (UIS) and GPE Secretariat, Secretariat, G., & Zamchiya, M. (2018, August 17). Creating safe learning spaces for all children and youth. Retrieved September 18, 2020, from GlobalPartnership.org

---

CASE is a program of the Nashville After Zone Alliance. The Nashville After Zone Alliance is a network of coordinated after school programming for Metro’s middle-school students. NAZA is a partnership among the Nashville Public Library, MNPS, and other existing youth-serving groups. It is modeled on successful efforts in other cities and is organized around geographically-defined zones.